You don't need to control your emotions. You need to regulate them

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Before we talk about emotional regulation itself, it’s important to take a step back and look at what emotions actually are.

At their core, emotions are internal sensors, they are our internal compass and how our brain and body interpret what is happening around us.

For example, anger is a protective emotion: it tells us where our boundaries have been crossed.

Sadness signals that we’re experiencing a loss.

Fear alerts us to possible dangers.

To understand emotional regulation, we need to remember that an emotion is not just a mental experience. It is something we feel in the body, a whole-system activation that includes perception, sensation, expression, and action.

Emotions are lived in the brain but felt in the body.

As Annabelle Gonzales explains in EMDR and Emotional Processing:Emotion is both perception and action — it changes how we see the world and how we respond to it.

When I feel anger, for example, I don’t just “feel irritated.”

My body tenses. My heart rate goes up.

My breathing becomes shallow and fast.

Emotion is always embodied.

So What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is our ability to modify, consciously or unconsciously,  the components of an emotional experience, including:

• physiological responses (restoring a sense of safety in the body, slowing the breath, grounding)

• subjective experience (the thoughts that appear in the moment, the story the mind creates)

• verbal and nonverbal expression (tone, gestures, facial expressions)

• secondary behaviors (choosing to pause instead of yelling, choosing to breathe instead of reacting impulsively)

Regulation is not suppression. It is not emotional shut-down. And it is definitely not “controlling yourself harder.”

Regulation means supporting the autonomous nervous system so it can respond intentionally rather than react impulsively.

As a survivor of suicidal postpartum depression, learning how to regulate my emotions was essential. I don’t think I would have made it out otherwise.

Before I understood my nervous system, anger overwhelmed me quickly.

One moment I felt tension… and before I knew it, I was raising my voice at my child or my partner. My reaction was faster than my awareness.

Today, things look very different.

Now, I can feel anger rising in my body before it takes over (most of the time).

I notice the tension building.

My hands clench.

My jaw tightens.

Because I’ve learned to pay attention to these cues, I can pause.

I can take a few slow, diaphragmatic breaths.

I can say, “I’m feeling a lot of anger right now, and I need a moment to come back to myself.”

This is emotional regulation — not perfection, not the absence of emotion, not forced calmness. Just presence, awareness, and choice.

What Emotional Regulation Is NOT

Many people confuse regulation with behaviors that actually harm emotional health.

Here are common misconceptions:

1. Regulation is NOT suppression

Pushing feelings down or pretending they don’t exist is emotional shutdown, not regulation.

2. Regulation is NOT avoidance

Avoiding conflict, discomfort, or difficult conversations is not regulation — it's self-protection disguised as calm.

3. Regulation is NOT perfection

You don’t “fail” if you get overwhelmed.Regulation is a skill, not a personality trait.

4. Regulation is NOT about being emotionless

A well-regulated nervous system still feels, but it moves through emotions rather than being ruled by them.

Dysregulation vs Regulation: A Quick Look

These states show up differently in everyday life.

Signs of Dysregulation

• Snapping easily

• Racing thoughts

• Feeling overwhelmed by minor triggers

• Shallow breath or holding your breath

• Feeling disconnected or “shut down”

• Difficulty making decisions

• Feeling “flooded” by emotion

Signs of Regulation

• Capacity to pause before reacting

• Ability to name what you feel

• Breathing that feels steady

• Presence in your body

• Flexibility in conversations

• Feeling grounded even in discomfort

• Awareness of your own needs

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

Because it’s the foundation of:

• healthier relationships

• clearer communication

• better decision-making

• resilience under stress

• self-trust

• emotional safety within yourself and with others

You don’t need a perfect life, perfect habits, or perfect confidence.You need the ability to return to yourself, even when things get hard.

A Simple Checklist: Am I Regulated or Dysregulated Right Now?

Use this as a quick scan throughout the day.

If you answer “yes” to many of these, you’re likely regulated:

• I can breathe fully.

• I can pause before reacting.

• I feel present in my body.

• I can listen without defending.

• I can name what I feel.

• I feel connected to myself.

If you answer “yes” to many of these, you might be dysregulated:

• I’m reacting faster than I can think.

• I feel tense or “on edge.”

• My breath is shallow or tight.

• I feel flooded or numb.

• I can’t focus.

• I feel disconnected from myself or others.

No judgment — just information.

Regulation starts with awareness.

Questions to Reflect On

• Where do you feel emotions first in your body?

• What happens to your breath when you feel overwhelmed?

• What helps you return to yourself after a difficult moment?

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These questions alone activate awareness — and awareness is the first step toward regulation.

The next blog post on this series will be about the types of emotional regulation, so stay close.